You must be conkers
Little reminders that the year is zipping by
How the hell is it autumn already? The symbols of seasonal change are making me a bit anxious. Or maybe it’s the back-to-school stationery in shop windows. (No, it can’t be that - how could new stationery ever make anyone anxious?) But, I'm definitely worried that 2021 has slipped by me and I haven’t “achieved”. I left my job nine months ago with no particular plan other than to break loose. Try everything. Find a new life. Well, I’ve tried some things but the “new life” remains elusive. It feels like failure. Shouldn’t I have this in the bag by now?
I keep reminding myself that I have a new life - this is it, no longer shackled to a 9-5 job that made me so sad. So why do I feel like that isn’t enough? I suspect that, on some level, I expected to move on to something concrete that had the same sense of permanence as my old job - something that I carry on doing until I retire. Everything has been a bit ephemeral this year. But one of the deciding factors when I was weighing up VR was the absolute certainty that I couldn’t take another 25 years of that life. Do I honestly want to shut myself into another gilded cage?
Or maybe it’s that I expected to have a new vocation by now, or be able to pull the name of an impressive employer out of the bag. As if anything less doesn't count. “Hello, I’m Celine, I’m a…” I’m still struggling at parties when people ask me what I do. I know that’s because my whole identity was previously bound up in my job and where I worked. It felt so important that I could point clearly to that. Who even am I without that? Am I now one of those people whose friends have no idea what they do for a living? It doesn’t matter if I am, I just need to get past that and stop measuring success in job titles.
I do wonder whether there’s another trigger though, beside the date on the calendar. I recently received word that my former-colleagues are trickling back to the office. I imagine, with pity, people being repeatedly asked to account for their 18 months of working from home:
“So what have you been up to? What’s new?”
“Ummmmm…. We painted the shed?”
But that’s fine, pretty everyone’s in the same boat. Very few of us have used the time to launch a business empire. But, for me, it feels like higher stakes, should I run into any of my old work-friends. According to the ‘rules of voluntary redundancy’, there has to be a winner and a loser. If you leave and then immediately land a fantastic job, you are the winner - your boss was a fool to let you go. But if you don’t, you are the loser and they are well shot of you. Right?
I mean, that’s obviously bullshit. But just like party small talk, it’s going to take a while to get clear of this sort of wrong-thinking. I am reminded of a very useful technique from Eleanor Tweddell’s book, Why Losing Your Job Could be the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You. In her opening chapter, she advises that, following redundancy, you should have a “Line to Take”. Something confident to say when asked: “How’s it going?” Not only does it lead to less-awkward conversations but it’s a brilliant way to use positive affirmation. I actually had a few different versions saved in a text document so that I could just cut and paste them into emails and chat windows. This is the one I used most frequently:
“Dunno what I'll do next yet. Take a break, find a new career path (maybe move into podcast and audio editing and production); finish a book I'm writing, and maybe study; and just for the fun of it, I'm going to help a friend launch her retail business.”
So how did I do? I have made a list of what I’ve “been up to”.
• Finished the first draft of my book, working on the second draft.
• Got a place on the Faber Academy’s six-month writing course and completed it.
• Did a bit of consultancy work, and ran workshops. The pay’s decent but I don’t want to do too much of this. I want to make and do things, rather than explain to other people how to make and do things.
• Started working for a European publisher as an editor and producer, which is really energising - and is fun too. (Lots of making and doing!)
• Did indeed lend a hand with my friend’s business and am now getting ready to launch my own venture.
• And I’ve put a couple of other things on the back burner:
- Podcast editing: I’ve learned to use the software but, for now, I’m prioritising book writing and will loop back round to this later because I’m still really into audio.
- Freelance journalism: I haven’t been able to commit the time to pitching, never mind the actual journalism. It’s just not the kind of writing I want to do right now.
When I write it all out like that, it seems OK, doesn’t it? Not a bad nine months. OK I’m not head of Google but I don’t think I want to be. My thing sounds better.
In case you were wondering ...
Why all the conkers? Conkers repel spiders, allegedly. This may be a myth but if you had spiders like this hanging out near your front door, you’d give it a go too.
Stationery corner
Not one but two four-colour pens! I recently needed both to colour-code my notes for a piece of work. It was the best day ...
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