I had two moments of clarity this week. The first was realising that I had fallen into and was now trapped at the bottom of a metaphorical well - let’s call it The Well Dread and Fear. The second was the thought that allowed me to climb out again.
Moment of clarity number one came when, unusually, I had an afternoon free. There were a dozen things I could do - write, work, lifemin or just have a nice time. Instead, I went to sleep. I wasn’t especially tired or anything - it was more like a narcoleptic episode. Later, I dragged myself to the supermarket in an attempt to do at least one productive thing, chastising myself all the way for wasting a rare bit of free time. (This was an error too, btw - I just ended up with a load of comfort food. The only thing in the basket that wasn’t beige was a box of onion bhajis that was on special offer.)
It was clearly a stress response. But what did I have to be stressed about? I’ve got plenty of work, it’s summer time, I’ve got lots of lovely friends who I’m hoping to see. Everything is fine.
Except it’s not fine. Creatively, I’m in a rut and there’s a book-related deadline looming. And, yes, I do have plenty of work but a fair bit of it now requires my physical presence or at least the use of equipment that I can’t tote around in a backpack; this time last year, I was imagining a life where I could be a digital nomad and work anywhere - “the plan” is going wrong. And, yes, summer is here but it is also slipping away and all the promises I made to visit family and friends this year look sure to be broken. And, on top of all that, I’ve had something of a blow to my long-term finances - the kind of thing that wakes you up at 3am for some quality staring-into-the-darkness time.
Everything is not fine. I’m the closest I’ve been to thinking this whole VR business was indeed a terrible mistake. But at the same time …
NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.
It’s all just dread and fear. Nonetheless, my brain had clearly had enough this week and decided it wanted some time off from thinking about “all the things” and trying to process them sensibly.
It was, ironically, a wake-up call. Without realising it, I’ve been free-falling through nagging doubts and worries for some time and have finally hit the bottom. But just because you know you’re down a well, doesn’t mean you know how to climb out again.
Lucky me though: friendship, good conversation and dip in the Hampstead ladies’ pond helped me to escape (thank you, Charlotte). Talking it all out led me to moment of clarity number two: just one simple realisation and I want to share it with you now:
It's a ride.
Discussion had turned to the madness of doing something you don’t like until retirement … and at that moment, I remembered why I turned my life upside down in the first place. “I can’t do this until for another 25 years,” I’d told colleagues who questioned my judgement at the time. I wanted to take a risk, have an adventure - I wanted not to be bored. Well, I’m sure as hell not bored now.
Reframing that sicky feeling in the pit of my stomach in this context was a game changer. Nothing has changed in my circumstances but I have changed the narrative. Instead of thinking: “oh god, everything is going wrong” I’m thinking.
Well, this is exciting, isn’t it?
The sicky feeling is still there but now it feels like being at the top of a rollercoaster instead of trapped down a well.
So, I’ll get back to the book (I know, I know - easier said than done but I will at least try). And I’ll adapt “the plan”- it was only a plan, after all, not an edict. I’ll, er, update my promises to visit folk. And I listen to my financial adviser’s sage words and “hold tight”. (I sort of wish she’d never taught me to understand my financial statements though. I miss the days when I just shoved everything in a drawer and ignored it.)
Nicked it
Long-time readers may be wondering whether I got onboard with the Women’s Euros, given how triggering I found the song ‘Three Lions’ last year. Well, yes I did watch the final, and I did cheer. I even broke out the sacred Olympics T-shirt for the occasion.
While my interest in football remains limited, I found I was able to enjoy the match because all the worst people in the country would be nowhere near this event. Because they don’t like women doing things.
And the win was extra sweet, knowing how furious those arseclowns would be. Furious because they will FINALLY have to shut the hell up about 1966. Furious because “a bunch of women” have stolen their moment to crow about winning after a decades of waiting. And against Germany too - the team they so desperately want to beat for all the wrong reasons. It’s all been nicked off them and I found this utterly hilarious.
PS: yes, of course I’ve been watching the Commonwealth Games. Sports for which no one really knows the rules or scoring system? Yes, please!
Friday dance break
Love Rollercoaster? (Ohio Players not Red Hot Chilli Peppers, natch) Life is a Rollercoaster? (No, thank you Ronan.) Any song at all by Ride? (Can anyone name a song by Ride that is danceable?) Ride by The Vines (I do like this a lot but it’s probably a bit much for a Friday morning. What happened to The Vines anyway?)
I couldn’t find a good track linked to the main theme this week so let us look instead to the world of sport. I was very tempted by Eye of the Tiger but Survivor, bless them, don’t give us much to work with dancewise - although the first 30 seconds are a masterclass in looking around corners and walking in a line (highly recommended, five stars).
So instead, let’s have something dedicated to feet - Tiger Feet, no less - that provides one of the best dances ever. A moment to learn, a lifetime to master. Take it away, Mud!
https://thenib.com/this-is-not-fine/